Some children have, for poorly understood reasons, an illness that consists of recurrent episodes of vomiting. I was seeing a patient like this a few weeks back, a little six year old girl with curly hair, big brown doe eyes, and freckles who suffers from a week or two of nausea and vomiting every few months. Most of these patients tend to outgrow it, fortunately, and lead normal healthy lives.
Unless, of course, they turn into single, thirty-something women.
This week I’ll be ending another one of my “cycles” – it seems that every 18 months I have a mini panic attack about meeting a guy. Though luckily I don’t puke my brains out, I do get a flood of “Holy shit I’m going to die alone” thoughts that sometimes send my head spinning. These are typically accompanied by nausea and a strong urge for a make-over or a (generally regretful) new hairstyle.
I realized recently that when I go through one of my cycles, I also tend to sign-up for internet dating. So far, I’ve been through three rounds. In the beginning it’s exciting. All of a sudden guys are emailing you, dates get set up. You feel like you can say to yourself, “See, I’m trying. If I do still end up dying alone at least it won’t be from lack of effort.”
After a few dates, though, I remember – internet dating sucks!
I know many people seem to have this work out for them, but I’m willing to bet most of them just settled for close-enough. Anyway, by the end of the second month I’m bored, cancel my subscription, and vow to go out more and meet new people. And I have to admit in the last few years I have managed to meet some great people, some of whom I found to be amazing, smart, attractive and so much fun to be around. Of course, they were all women, but still these new friends only came into the picture during the times I wasn’t sitting in my apartment staring at my computer, but rather out and about being social.
So another 18 month stretch ends, I wonder if like my little patient, I, too, will outgrow these cycles. I think so. At least, I hope I will. For now, I’ve pulled the plug on online dating. Again. And got a haircut.
This one looks pretty good, actually…
Half way...where? 