Leap

A friend of mine was looking for an apartment a few weeks ago. The decision to move was sudden, and I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but I respected that she needed some time to run around and do what needed to get done. After all, some of the most gut-wrenchingly depressing times in my life were when I was apartment hunting in NYC. If you are ever getting cocky about how well you’re doing in life, try moving. It will humble you again in the most cruel way. Okay, I know I’m being melodramatic but the point is I knew my friend would be stressed and busy so I didn’t (hopefully) harass her with too many questions about what was going on.

Then, somewhere into the second week of apartment hunting, she dropped me a note saying she was moving her stuff into storage and leaving New York. I was shocked! I mean, I know you want to slit your wrists when you realize that all you can afford in this real estate inflated city is a 20′ x 20′ box with a toilet-shower combo, and even that will take up most of your paycheck, but actually leaving NYC? Could things have become that bleak?

When I finally got a chance to catch up with her, her choice made complete sense. I knew she was doing the right thing. In fact, she was doing something I had never had the guts to do — move. To the midwest. On her own. To pursue her passion-project and give it her full attention.

Holy shit, right?

The more I thought about her decision, the more amazed and proud I was of her. After all, it takes more guts to give up stability (in whatever form you have it) and choose uncertainty. Leaving the path that has a goal at the end and a lot of bumpers on the side so you don’t get too hurt if you fall. The only time I think I really did that was when I broke off my engagement. It feels like the floor was pulled out from under you, but you don’t quite start to fall. In fact, it’s the fear of falling that is the hard part, and you have to muster up the strength to not focus on how you could sink at any moment and pretend you’re okay. For a while it’s not too bad, you can really convince yourself and everyone else that you’re as solid as a rock. But once in a while, on those harder days, you just want someone else to bear that burden for you so you can regain some strength. But that’s the thing about being single; no one there to bear your weight even for those few moments.

As for my friend, she’s really going to do it, all on her own. Leave NYC. Leave her job. Leave her friends. Leave that sense of security of knowing what tomorrow will bring.

I am really excited for her, and really scared for her, and really excited for her.

Holy shit, right?